Why I wanted to walk….For awhile now, D’Lyn has been suggesting that I write my story. I needed to share my motivation for why I felt such internal passion to dedicate myself to the 3-Day. I didn’t do it. There have been many reasons, or excuses the past few weeks. Today however feels like the day to finally get it out of my head and to put it out there.
I HATE cancer. I really truly hate it and it scares me to no end. My grandmother had breast cancer. That event planted a seed in me that I have forever tried to dig out and throw away. In October 1998, I had a breast reduction. Sure, they were larger than life and caused pain and discomfort but those are only part of the reason I did it. 3 separate doctors were concerned that because of their size, if I were to get a mass, it would have to become a significant size before it would be detected. I got rid of them and eliminated that from happening. I was going to be in control of my body. Not a bunch of mutated ugly cells.
Before I had Caitlin, I was a drug rep. One of the products in my bag was a breast cancer medication indicated for women with Stage 4 metastatic disease. Day in and day out I went to oncologist offices and saw first hand how devastating this disease is. I HATED it. I knew my med could help some women. But it just didn’t seem like enough.
In August of 2005 I had a hysterectomy at the age of 31. Now all of a sudden doctors were talking about breast cancer again. Didn’t I take care of that already? Don’t I have the scars to prove that I was going to win that and control that and we were not going to worry about that anymore? This started my required mammograms. It will forever amaze me how flat they can make something with those freakin plates! My first mammo came back with issues. “We see something that we are concerned about. We need to do more tests. Can you come back tomorrow?” At the end of the next day, I found out I was fine. But the experience planted the seed of fear even deeper.
I attended a Team Tiara fund raising event and watched the video about the walk. I felt this internal need to participate. A calling that just wouldn’t go away. I signed up. I was going to make a difference. I was going to show up and fight the fight. Yesterday I had to call the fabulous people at the 3Day and tell them I can’t walk. I can’t go to Dallas and earn my blisters. I can’t share in the experience of the walk. Not this year. That was a very difficult call for me to make.
Today I find myself typing this and checking the clock on my computer screen. It is almost time to get in the shower so I can get ready and go. Today I go downtown to stand before a judge and have my divorce finalized. Today is a new beginning and a sad ending to my past. I find myself trying to move forward. I have been a stay at home mom for 8.5 years. I still don’t have a job. My house has sold. I have to move. Where to? I wish I knew. Due to this situation, I can’t walk. It hurts my soul to make this decision. Unfortunately, I have other decisions that need to be made. I have other details to work out.
For all of the people that donated to me, thank you. To all the people that have supported me through all of this, thank you. To my team members, I will be there with you in spirit. I will forever be in awe of the power and strength of the individuals that came together as a team to beat this disease. To myself, there is next year.